Parenthood.

[Mr Mystery]

Evening all.

For those who have seen it in the Off Topic thread, I'm now officially in a relationship with the delightful Annabel. And with Annabel, come Kira and Kain, aged 5 and 4 respectively.

Which means, I've gone from being a footloose and fancy-free nigh on permanent singleton bachelor, to a sort-of Step Parent to two very awesome sprogs. Sprogs who unfortunately have something of a deadbeat Dad who by all accounts doesn't take a great deal of interest in his offspring...

Whilst I'm very happy with this general situation, and went into it fully eyes-open, I am experiencing some level of panic. After all, the change in circumstance is so jarring it might well be a poorly written, cheaply produced Hollywood film. Probably starring Jennifer Aniston and Luke Wilson, or some other god awful combination of frankly terrible actors.

I have very little experience of small people, and don't consider myself to have much instinct for that sort of thing.

So far, all I've been doing is just treating all three of them. Nothing too showy, but we did spend a really nice Sunday at Sealife down in Brighton, which the kids loved, and Annabel really enjoyed too.

But what of the future? When they're behaving, no problem at all. But discipline? I'm a soft touch and I know it. Annabel is however, a very strong Mum and doesn't stand for any nonsense. Main concern here is that I might start to undermine her authoritah, with the kids working on me for my soft touch.

Bits of this keep very slowly dawning on me. For instance. Kain, being a 4 year old boy, is something of a handful, and prone to strops. Good part of this is due to a general lack of a consistent male role model, someone he can rough house with but knows how to calm things down.

Help me Bolsy Wan Kenobi! You're a really good source of informations and support and that!

[Nabterayl]

I think the main thing to keep in mind right now is that you don't have any authority over them. When they come to you asking for permission, "Ask your mum" is the inflexible line of defense. That can change over time, and if you and Annabel get on well, it probably will and/or should. But for you to be their parent requires not only that Annabel give you that position in her life, but that Kira and Kain do as well. Right now, you have none of those positions, and the kids need to know that they can't treat you like a parent with all of the benefits and none of the burdens. Right now, Annabel sets the rules, and your only constructive option is to remind the kids of that fact.

What you can do is be a good role model. Assume that the kids are going to look at you and say, "Huh ... you know, I could be that kind of person if I wanted to." Stop and check yourself with that gauge, and make sure you're being the kind of person you would want a little kid to calibrate his or her idea of "good person" to.

What you can do is treat their mum right. If Annabel starts feeling comfortable treating you like a parent, then you can start taking a more active hand with discipline and what kinds of rules and exposures are good for them. And if Annabel accepts you that way, odds are very good that the kids will also start treating you as a parent.

[Mr Mystery]

I seem to be doing quite well in that regard so far.

Kain seems to listen to me, and I know to level with kids, rather than just talk down to them. Just have to couch it in terms they'll understand. Moderate the language, not the message!

I treated them all to Nerf guns as well, as the kids really like my ones. Was sensible enough to include a target this time, as shooting each other rapidly gets out of hand! So cool pressies with a smidge of parental level responsibility.

The role model thing is also coming along fairly well. Professionally, I'm now trained as a mentor, so I have some skills which are transferable. Except this time, there's a great deal more at stake!

[Denzark]

Good advice from Nabby. I would say - be consistent, don't undermine her (good tactic - ask your mum), be firm but fair.

It is probably too early doors to worry about full deadbeat dad replacement. Not because I am being a voice of doom saying the relationship will end, but just because it actually is too early.

Also later don't get vexed when your time and attention is taken for granted, but the slightest little easy bribe from deadbeat dad is met with almost god-like devotion. Also when he lets them down (sounds like he will) don't enforce a negative image of their dad in front of them - rant in private.

[Mr Mystery]

Oh I'm keeping out of the whole Dad relationship.

I'm not competing with him, nor do I seek to undermine him. That way lies insanity!

[Nabterayl]

Yeah, that's why I said that it really has to come from the kids. If a kid says you're his dad, well, you are. Pretty much no other way to get that status.

[Mr Mystery]

Yup.

Had that conversation too! Far as I'm concerned, the sprogs can call me what they wish. If that's Dad, then they call me Dad. Up to them!

[Deadlift]

What Nabby said sums it up, follow your girlfriends lead and back her up if the kids start to argue / debate with her. Whilst your new to this parenting thing, kids I think need to know your both on the same page as far as discipline. They will try and play you off each other and test boundaries. But once they understand what's what everyone's happier.

One thing I love to do with my kids which will be right up your street is cooking. Kids love it and even the youngsters can make rice crispy cakes etc. Good way to bond and loads of fun for everyone ;).

[Psychosplodge]

See if she sends them to live with their dad you can start from scratch...

[Mr Mystery]

Not sure that's the right path to happiness on this occasion Splodgeymuss..... :p

[Psychosplodge]

Just thinking inside the box ;)

[Wolfshade]

What Nab says.

Also, don't do a Jimmy Saville.

Also, rather than asking the internets talk to the SO.

[Psychosplodge]

You have to be very careful, the only couple I know where the bloke has a couple of lads by an ex, when his lads are round his current partner takes a step back from discipline with the exception of "I'll send you home early" as the blokes ex has dragged social services in before with false claims against his current partner.
If there is animosity, be careful.

[Wildeybeast]

Whilst I don't have any of my own, I would offer this gem from my time spent looking after other people's. Kids are inherently trusting. It is amazing what they will believe, simply because it comes from an adult. Whilst this can lead to amusing sarcasm and hilarious japes being played on them, it has a downside. They will follow your actions and repeat as gospel whatever you say, simply because you said it. Regardless of how misinformed and offensive it might be. As others have said, be a good role model and consider carefully what you say and do. But also, don't promise them anything or even agree to stuff unless you are absolutely certain you can deliver it. They will hold you to it and they will resent you when you don't follow through, no matter how reasonable your expectation might be. The promise made to a child is an inviolable contract set in stone in their eyes.

[Houghten]

Kain, being a 4 year old boy, is something of a handful

Also being named after one of the world's most famous murderers probably didn't help.

[Wolfshade]

Also being named after one of the world's most famous murderers probably didn't help.

Or, the first vampire...

[Wildeybeast]

Also being named after one of the world's most famous murderers probably didn't help.

It's spelt wrong if he is.

[Mr Mystery]

Tsk!

Anyways, I'm all in favour of this change in the law (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-26814427).

We need to keep such things up to date, and reflecting soceity's ever changing tolerances (which seem to be largely going the correct way for the most part!).

[Denzark]

My lad grassed me up to his gran (my mum) for putting a green m&m up my left nostril then blowing it across the room.

I suggest you try to avoid this.

[Nabterayl]

Seriously. Red is port, green is starboard. Get it right.

[Wildeybeast]

Tsk!

Anyways, I'm all in favour of this change in the law (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-26814427).

We need to keep such things up to date, and reflecting soceity's ever changing tolerances (which seem to be largely going the correct way for the most part!).

Yep. I see more an enough of it at work. Some quite nasty stuff, but often just low level stuff. Parents basically ignoring their kids or throwing money at them until they go away, kids with dirty clothes and so on. This is the sort of stuff that needs to stop.

[Mr Mystery]

Yup.

Kids need stimulus in order to grow and develop into pleasant adults.

Ignoring them constantly (as opposed to when they're just being stroppy) does nothing but harm.

With Kain and Kira, I tend to talk to them with the same respect I do an adult. Seems to be garnering good behaviour so far!

And yes, the whole 'your Mum said no, so it's a no' is also working!

So far parenting is turning out to be a bit of a doddle. Reinforce and back up Mum, and run distraction when one is being a turd.

[Denzark]

Seriously. Red is port, green is starboard. Get it right.

An entirely good point, it was more for comedic effect than nautical efficacy. Got me in the same dwang though.

[Deadlift]

Never ever say anything you never want repeated in front of children :). They have this unique ability to say the wrong thing at the right time. Especially when it comes to repeating private discussions.

[Wolfshade]

Seriously. Red is port, green is starboard. Get it right.

Almost, Port is red, drink lots of it...