Girl troubles :\

[jgebi]

As most of my friends are stoners and we have different looks and life I don't really have anyone to ask so why not here?

heres my problem, I've had a crush (A fairly big one) on my bestfriend for 3 years or so now and about 4 weeks ago I think, she said she has feelings for me but I should wait now I was extactic at the time and we started talking more and more and then she's stopped talking for some reason that she won't tell me this was properly close to 2 weeks ago now and still nothing really. So firstly is this normal? and secondly is she worth waiting for? (I don't think theirs an easy answer to that is there) and lastly is their any thing I can do?

I don't know if back ground is worth it but hell. When I first meet her I was to the point of being like my friends and trying drugs and being just another brute or just blowing my brains out. But I meet her and life really didn't seem so bad so from their in I spent the next 3 years chasing after her and trying to help her through break ups etc. I did ask her out a few times but it was always your to good a friend or something. Also until latly I was going to school with her and seeing her everyday for the last year and a half so it feels weird not seeing her.

Now with her not talking to me the one thing that was really weird was I got hit by a car lately not bad but enough that it hurt and she didn't respond at all which is very strange.

I feel like a child for doing this but It feels a little better

P.S. I'm 17 and shes 16 so now taking it out of context

P.S.S feel free to post up your own problems

[YorkNecromancer]

just blowing my brains out

Right, so the first thing I should say is that if you have had legitimate suicidal feelings in the past, you need to seriously consider counselling as a matter of urgency. Speaking from long personal experience (ten years ago, I was the only person I knew not an antidepressants of some kind; everyone of my friends who got better did so only after years of therapy. I still have friends who live under the weight of depression; unsurprisingly, they are all the ones who haven't seen a therapist or counsellor because either they're not ready, or because they think that to do so would be an admission of weakness. Conveniently ignoring the fact that fear of admitting weakness is a weakness. Irony, eh?), the only thing that makes them go away is professional help - and I speak for both myself and for numerous friends. There is a myth that love can change things, but this is an oversimplification. In the short term, it acts like emotional wallpaper over the cracks in the soul; you can pretend that you're fine because you're not noticing the cracks at the moment. However, over time, the cracks always come out. You need to consider what this will do not only to you, but also to the partner whom you love. It is one thing to live with your pain. It is quite another to ask another to live with it.

Part of the big problem with dark thoughts is that they seem overwhelming, and like they cannot change. The truth is, they really can. One of my ex-girlfriends was sectioned under the mental health act when she attempted suicide; she spent six months confined in a mental hospital. That was ten years ago, and now she's really, really happy, leading a full life. Is her depression permenantly gone forever? No; but on those occasions where it rears its head, it's manageable, as the time she spent with therapists and doctors equipped her with the emotional armoury necessary to fight it off successfully.

You should also consider that as a teenager, your brain is swirling with chemicals as it literally rebuilds itself. Your emotions will never be as overwhelming as they are right now. This will change as get older, but you're right in the middle of the storm. You can't fight emotions, because they don't work that way. You need to understand them: where are they coming from, which are just teenage hormones, and which are actually deep seated issues you need to resolve? Because love is wonderful, but relationships, real adult relationships are hard, take work and compromise, and I cannot state this enough, if one or both of you has a mental health disorder, you're playing the game of love on Hard Mode.

Now, I don’t want you to think I’m belittling you for your age; far from it. I just want to be clear about the difficulties and issues it brings, which are very different from the ones older ages bring.

As a side note, you mention your friends are stoners. I would strongly counsel against the use of drugs while you are working your issues out; cannabis in particular has a tendency to exacerbate underlying mental health issues, which is something, again, you need to consider from your prospective partner’s point of view. Because even if this girl isn’t the one, someone else will be; if you truly love them (as in care for them, genuinely want to protect them), then the first thing you will protect them from is yourself. Again, I speak from personal experience as both the giver and receiver of selfish behaviour in a relationship.


about 4 weeks ago I think she said she has feelings for me but I should wait

Here’s the thing: love is complicated. How much do you know about what she wants from a partner? Does she know? At 16, she probably wants hugs, intimacy, friendship, to be made to laugh, sex, not sex, to be excited, to have someone to snuggle, to have someone who she can talk to, to have someone she can protect, to have someone who will protect her, and about a million other conflicting ideas. She’s 16; this is not an age that lends itself to great emotional insight into oneself.

It sounds like she doesn’t actually know what she wants, and that’s okay. She’s allowed not to know. Of course, her indecision is unbearable for you, but consider that she's probably concerned that if she rushes it, it will destroy what you have at the moment - from the sounds of it, the simple act of telling you in the first place may have already done just that. I imagine she likes you as a friend, but isn’t quite emotionally ready to take you (or anyone) as a lover; that's how this sounds.

You say she’s stopped talking to you? That’s probably due to her feeling awkward now she’s had this discussion with you. She may want things to go back to the way they were; she may want nothing to do with you. The simple truth is you don’t have enough data. So, consider that one of your options is just to go up, and without any drama ask her where you stand. Don’t be aggressive, but don’t be passive either. The keyword here is “assertive”; you are a valid person, and your feelings are as important as hers. Be polite, remember to smile, and whatever happens, be the master of your emotions. If her response isn’t helpful, remember, that’s fair enough – as I say, she’s allowed to be finding this as difficult as you are. Society puts an entirely different set of pressures on women than it does on men, so she will not be experiencing these difficulties in the same way you are, even if you do both feel the same.

Consider how much time you are prepared to wait for her. Consider whether the relationship is based on the possibility of real, mutual love and respect, or whether it’s simply a case of geographical proximity and shared loneliness. If you’re only going to be together because there’s no-one else around, is that really the bedrock of a love that will last forever? Consider finally that the world is large and wide, and that life has a tendency to play out in ways that you cannot expect. I have been in my relationship with my partner for nine years. I didn’t plan it or expect it, it just kind of happened. We’d known each other for years previously, but had never shown any interest in each other at all, then one day BAM! On the other hand, the woman I spent my first year at university pining for? No interest in her at all now; we’re still friends who share the occasional email, but nothing more.
Ultimately, the most important thing is effective communication, so you at least know where you stand. From the sounds of things, she’s made up her mind, but you can’t know unless you ask. Just remember that if you do ask, don’t be whiny, don’t try and win her pity or her sympathy, and don’t assume anything. Plan your questions ahead of time, consider how you may respond, and just be a decent bloke.

And really, seriously consider counselling. Everyone has suicidal thoughts at some time, but the way you talk about yourself suggests you have issues with your self-esteem that you should address.

Good luck :)

[jgebi]

with the mental health I get what your talking about and I get what you mean about seeing a mental health professional and I am seeing someone not so much about that but it is part of it. And with self-esteem it's all perspective I will do what makes her or some of my other friends happy just to make them happy but dose that mean I have low self-esteem? And lastly thanks it helps a little I still feel like I'm beating my head against a wall but at least I know what to ask so thanks.

Oh yer I should properly added this isn't so much out side her pattern as she dose tend to shut down if something bigs happens with her family or something the such

[YorkNecromancer]

And with self-esteem it's all perspective I will do what makes her or some of my other friends happy just to make them happy but dose that mean I have low self-esteem?

Well no, it doesn't. The fact you personally limited your options as


trying drugs and being just another brute or just blowing my brains out.

does not suggest, to me at least, a person who views himself in a positive way. So I stand by my comment that you should see a mental health consultant; no-one should ever view their only two options in life as being either the emotional oblivion of drugs or the physical oblivion of death. There are always further options, especially for someone who hasn't fully had time to explore who they really are yet.


this isn't so much out side her pattern as she dose tend to shut down if something bigs happens with her family or something the such

Which again, suggests you need to ask her. There's a reason every relationship counseller will tell you that good communication is the foundation of a solid relationship. :)

As I say, good luck, and don't let you situation overcome you. :)

[Deadlift]

Here's my take on girls and life in general matey, "be honest and be happy"

I'm 38 next month and whilst I haven't always gotten everything right, I like to think I can offer a little friendly advice.
It's not easy I know but sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns. Phone the lass up and tell her exactly what's on your mind and how your felling, if that's too difficult then try writing a letter. If you get a positive response then great, if not well then it's time to move on. At least you will know and you will have some relief either way.


Being happy isn't always easy, but you have one shot at life. So whatever it takes you have to do what makes you happy.
It may surprise a few on here but I have a history of anger issues. I won't go into any details but I will say I did learn though therapy to like myself, learn patience and never surround myself with negative people. It works for me and I'm a much happier guy for it. I prescribe to anyone "physical exercise" on a regular basis. Trust me that's one way to being a happier person. ;)

You take care jgebi and remember your the author of your own story.

[scadugenga]

York and Dead hit the nail square on the head, so really not much to add save this:

How much do you care for the lass? If she doesn't, or can't reciprocate your feelings for her, are you comfortable with remaining friends?

In the long run, it's always best to be honest first with yourself, and then with your partner. Be honest about what you each are looking for in the relationship. If your goals don't align, you will have problems down the road.

Real relationships are hard. sometimes almost unbearingly so. But a solid relationship is a wondrous thing.

[Necron2.0]

What York said is profoundly true, on all accounts. I would definitely listen to that advice. The only thing I would add is my own personal observations. I know of nobody who remained in a relationship with the love from their teens past their twenties. Sometimes it does happen, but it's rare. Right now it may seem that this girl is the only truth in life, but she is not. That feeling is most likely a chemically induced illusion - the product of too much testosterone coursing through a body that has never experienced it in such massive doses, and that is struggling to compensate for it. I guarantee you, in less than ten years, the levels will subside, your mind will clear, and you'll be left asking yourself, "What kind of crazy-azz basturd was I?" :) That is just how it is. Every man on this forum above twenty has gone through this exact same thing.

I realize what I'm telling you doesn't mitigate how you feel right now. I know how it feels is like your world is coming completely apart. Believe me, though, it's not. It just is not.

[jgebi]

So just have to keep my self busy... and not let it get to me?

[daboarder]

mostly yeah,

People are people and you cant really force them to respond the way you want them too, you did good asking her out in the first place though mate. You've got a long life ahead of you mate, and its cliche but these things happen, of course the counter point is that the good times with people that care are so much better.

Just whatever you do don't do anything that will hurt those that do care.

[Denzark]

Jgebi - you have received some top advice here, I haven't much to add as I endorse it all. Some further considerations:

1. Question - is it worth cocking up a friendship to have a relationship with this girl? If not, back off, change target and tell her that's what you've done - things will settle down when she sees you pursue other options. If you want to risk it, give her some time and tell her, irrespective of relationships, for her to leave a friend hanging on like this is hurtful. either you'll discover something illogically female happened to change circumstances, or she'll stop being an arse and will speak to you, which will allow some form of pursuit.

2. On the subject of drugs, I'm sure what Yorkie meant to say was not just leave them out whilst you work your issues out, but to leave them out all the time. What he says about exacerbating mental health is true. Also consider practicalities - money and and probably criminal in your neck of the woods?

3. On the subject of self harm, if ever you were considering it, just consider there is no such thing - because peopel you love and who love you will be hurt as well. So best not, if you can't be strong for yourself be strong for them.

Remember, never let them see you bleed, and always have an escape plan.

[Nabterayl]

I agree with what's been said, but I would add this: when you have a crush on a wonderful person, your choices are not limited to ignoring it and acting on it. Something I learned in my teens is this: we choose to make unrequited feelings a bad thing. I found that when I really examined why I was depressed or upset that a girl didn't return my feelings, it was either because (i) I felt like there must be something wrong with me or (ii) I wanted something that I wasn't getting. More on those below, BUT ... see if that matches up with your own inner experience.

If it does, then I submit to you that your feelings for the girl herself are great! It's great to be romantically and/or sexually attracted to a person! It's one of the spikes of happiness in the human experience. That's true whether they return your feelings or not - the unrequited kind only turn into a bad thing if we react to them in a way that makes them a bad thing (and let me tell you: you can ruin even requited love by feeling like there must be something wrong with you or that you want something you aren't getting). It isn't wrong to try to ignore your feelings, and it isn't wrong to act (courteously) on them, but there is a third option: you can just enjoy that they're there. It sounds like you have a great girl in your life, and you can enjoy the fact that you're romantically and/or sexually attracted to her just as you can enjoy the fact that you find her kind and inspiring. It is absolutely possible to be romantically and/or sexually attracted to a girl without letting your feelings make every interaction creepy.

So ... about (i) and (ii) ...

Sometimes people say that there isn't anything wrong with you. That may or may not be true. What is always true is that you are always worthy of being loved, no matter how much is wrong with you. That doesn't mean that nothing can be wrong with you, of course. But I think that in the overwhelming majority of cases, when young men feel like the object of their affections doesn't return their feelings because something is wrong with them, what's really going on is this: they are forgetting that dating is fundamentally about choice, not about worth. What I mean by that is this: you should have reasons to date a person (and she should have reasons to date you), but no amount of reasons can make somebody date you. At the end of the day, even with all the reasons in the world to date, you both have to choose it. And it really is just a choice - it's not a value judgment, it's not a reflection of your worth in that person's eyes. "I don't want to date you" is not code for "I think something is wrong with you." "Boyfriend" is not the upgraded version of "boy friend."

The other thing I think young men (well, and young women too, but you aren't one) forget when it comes to unrequited feelings is that dating isn't about you. Now, you probably know that perfectly well, but if you're anything like me, you can know that perfectly well and still have an inner life that looks like you don't know it. Either way, it's true - when you date someone (or marry someone), you look first to their edification and then to yours. Now, that doesn't mean you should be a doormat for them, and it doesn't mean that their edification is more important than yours. You shouldn't, and it isn't. It does mean that if you find yourself, in your heart of hearts, depressed because you can't have the love of your life, you can't act on your feelings, you can't, you, you, you ... you need to give your heart of hearts a good smack upside the head. You wouldn't date a girl thinking every moment about what you can have (and if you did, she should dump your ***), so why should the process of thinking about dating her be all about what you can have? It shouldn't.

Hope that helps a little, man. I know what it's like to have a wonderful girl who saved you from some very real sh*t, love that girl, and not date her. Heck, I had a whole string of girls like that in my life. The last one was about ten years ago, and you know what? Looking back on all those fabulous women from where I am now, married to a sexy awesome woman with a little girl of our own ... no, I didn't get to date any of those girls. But they played a direct part in healing me so I would be ready to get the girl I did get, and I wouldn't trade her for anyone.

[jgebi]

This has led me to wonder how everyone deals/ dealt with the feeling of loneliness?

[YorkNecromancer]

Leaving the house.

Now, that sounds like I'm making a facetious joke at your expense, but honestly? I'm not. You're lonely? The only cure for that is people. You can fill your life with as many distractions as you like, but the only cure is not to be alone. There are places people congregate. Check local comic shops, FLGS, the local paper, the internet. If you go where people are and make an active effort to join the communities, you'll stop being lonely.

If it's the case that you're too nervous or shy, well, we discussed counselling - because it will help with that. I'm not saying you have to become the PARTY GOD or anything; just confident enough to go out, meet people, and talk without the need for alcohol or bravado.

I went through most of my teenage years alone because I hated everyone at school. No-one told me I could make friends who weren't at school; seems obvious now, but when you're in the system, you become convinced that those people are all the people in the world. By the age of 19, I had lost contact with all but three people from my school. At the age of 35, I'm only in contact with one. I wouldn't recognise a single peer from school in the street today. But I have a massive group of friends because I started doing random stuff at social clubs because I didn't want to be lonely.

There's LARP, mediaeval reenactment, martial arts, book clubs, CAMRA, civil rights activism, political groups, working people's clubs, bingo nights, dance and so on. Go to all of them, because WHY NOT? Is the potential embarrassment you might feel while there stronger than the pain of loneliness? Why are you more scared to talk to someone you don't know than to die alone? Because most people at a social club are there for the exact reasons you are. I've done wrestling, fencing, salso dance, book clubs, five different World of Darkness LARPs, book clubs, run a wargaming clubs, run three long-term roleplay clubs and more. I did this because I wanted to not be alone, and I'm an introvert - I have to expend energy to be in a social situation, unlike those lucky extroverts who gain energy from social time.

And here's the kicker - if you don't actively go out and make contacts you will stay lonely, because the world doesn't care about you. Everyone else is too caught up in their own lives to worry about yours, and that's just a simple fact of existence. I have friends because I put time and effort into cultivating those relationships, as much time and effort as I put into my work and my hobbies.

There's an apocryphal story of a pupil who asked Bruce Lee, "Teacher? How do I punch faster?"

"Punch faster."

"What?"

"Just punch faster."

And it's that simple. There's no magic or special trick to it. The way Bruce Lee learned to punch so fast is that he practised throwing punches really fast. He practised every day, invested effort and time into it.

No-one owes you a social life. The world doesn't owe you a social life. You owe yourself a social life. How hard is it to get one? As hard as jumping into a cold swimming pool on a warm day; you don't want to because you know the shock is going to be awful, but once you're in, you wonder why you were ever scared.

Do it; go out now, right now, and find a local club that does some activity you've never done before. Google is your friend. DO IT NOW, WHAT ARE YOU STILL READING THIS FOR?!!!

[Nabterayl]

Honestly, that's a really good answer. I'll post what I was going to say anyway, just because sometimes it's helpful to hear the same thing in more than one way, but ... York's totally right, and he put it better than I think I was going to.

What I was going to say was that you deal with loneliness by filling your heart with things. York is totally right that you just need to do things, but the reason you need to do things is so you can find the thing that fills your heart. That's the difference between staying busy so you can keep the loneliness at bay, and being busy because you're doing what you love. If you don't know of any activities that you love like that, well ... that's why you need to go out and do other things. There are things out there that you love, even if you don't know what they are yet. And the only way to find them is to do things.

That said, it isn't just about doing things. You need to do things with people. That's the whole point of a social life - to make new friends, to find people who love you and whom you love, and with whom you can do things that you all love. No amount of doing things, however much you love them, will ever fill you up if you don't have people who fill you up, too. That is people, plural. When the heart aches for someone - especially a kind, wonderful girl - it is telling you that you need more people who love you and whom you love in your life. It is not telling you that you only need that kind, wonderful girl. She may be kind, and she may be wonderful, but no single person will ever fill you up, no matter what kind of relationship you have with that person. You need people, plural.

Along those lines, have you considered whether your current friends do that? I don't say that to be passive-aggressive; I don't know your friends and I'm not going to judge them. But if they don't fill you up, maybe you need new friends - or just more friends.

[Deadlift]

This has led me to wonder how everyone deals/ dealt with the feeling of loneliness?

Do you work / have a part time job ? Great way to meet people and earn a few extra coins whilst studying.

And I know I'm banging on a old drum here, but if you can afford it join a gym. Fantastic way to meet people, get some exercise and feel really good about yourself. I don't know you that's fair to say. For whatever reason you may feel self conscious about yourself and intimidated about doing exercise in front of others. Don't. Nobody will judge you and will feel so much better about everything after a month or two of regular training of your choice.
I'm a fat bugger and most likely always will be lol. But I love my gym time and I'm a much happier soul for it ;)

[wayne williams]

i cant really add to the wisdom already shared except to say have you tried volunteer work ( as right now theres not much work available to younger folks here in the uk ) it helped me a lot to volunteer at the local hospitals both mental health and a learning disability facility. when i was about your age so much so it helped decide what i wanted to to do and how i wanted to do it. some of the plus sides are.
1 it gets you out and amongst people.
2 it can help you put in proportion your own issues when you see what others have to put up with on a daily basis. ( few minority groups have suffered as much as the learning disability and mental health comunities have . )
3 it will look good on your cv later .
4 the positive re enforcement as a member of society that is contributing to the greater good ( sorry im an old fashioned comunist at heart ) but it can help your feeling of self worth while your still working out who you are. ( sorry if that comes across as a little patronising still not wholly sure who i am and i am 43 lol )

finally just like to say what a generally positive and helpfull thread this is and i am so glad you asked for advice here with these wise ( wiser than me anyways ) and genuine people rather than on some other forums out there.

[scadugenga]

This has led me to wonder how everyone deals/ dealt with the feeling of loneliness?

Once again, York, Dead, Nab and the like have hit it on the head. All good ideas. (Just as Dead advocates a gym, I suggest a good, healthy dojo.) Hell, the only reason I ended up on FB is because that's how my k-f class arranged group social outings and the like.

Now despite everything that's already been said--it's also okay to be alone.

Alone time can be very important. Particularly if you're at all introverted. Just have to get yourself to the point where you can accept that being alone is an okay state of mind (hard as hell in the teens, admittedly) and it's good to recharge the internal batteries.

[Necron2.0]

This has led me to wonder how everyone deals/ dealt with the feeling of loneliness?

When I was a little younger than you, my best friend (http://www.akfatal.net/Finnelly.htm) died. I dealt with it by getting more involved with my church.

[Deadlift]

Now despite everything that's already been said--it's also okay to be alone.

Alone time can be very important. Particularly if you're at all introverted. Just have to get yourself to the point where you can accept that being alone is an okay state of mind (hard as hell in the teens, admittedly)
and it's good to recharge the internal batteries.

Scads bang on here, alone time is something to cherish ;) one day in the future I'm sure you will be blessed with a loving wife and children. That alone time you have now will be distant memories that you will look back fondly on. My alone time is mostly spent having a poo :D

[jgebi]

The funny things with having a family is I spent properly most of my time up until a while ago saying I would never have a family just for the fact that I'm me XD and yet now I can... **** I hate this girl as much as I like her...

[YorkNecromancer]

**** I hate this girl as much as I like her...

Odi et amo.
Quare id faciam,
Fortasse requirius?
Nescio, sed fieri sentio,
Et excrucior.

- Catullus.

Translated:

I love and I hate.
How is this possible,
Perhaps you ask?
I do not know, but I know how I feel,
And I am in agony.

It is not uncommon to feel the way you do when we have the sense our feelings are being played with. If she's starting to make you hate her, I suggest you should just let her go. This is because those negative emotions will linger, and if you do end up in a relationship with her, they may well poison the whole thing. From your comments on loneliness, it sounds a little like you're after someone to pull you out of yourself; someone who will pull you out of your loneliness, and make all the bad feelings go away.

That person is you. Only you can save you. The whole idea that someone can "complete us" is nonsense, a myth concocted by fairy tales and children's stories. Love is the most wonderful feeling in the world, but it doesn't change the fundamentals of who you are, and it doesn't make you a better person. The sensation of being "in love" doesn't last long either - it's a temporary high. Like all good things, we imagine it will last forever, but it won't. Love is what remains afterwards, and that isn't enough to build a relationship - just ask anyone whose partner hits them. They all "love" their partners, but they can't change them into better people by loving them, because change comes from an internal place, not an external person.

You seem to have a lot of negative feelings - both about yourself and this girl, and I advise you to consider what that means. It doesn't mean you're a bad person - a "brute" - as you put it earlier. It does mean will be just as negative when you're in a relationship unless you take the time to fix yourself.

There's an excellent article here about teenagers and their attitudes towards love (http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/07/01/i-have-so-much-love-to-give-young-women-and-self-flattery-reprint/) It's about a specific female experience, but I think a lot of it applies equally towards we men as well. I think we can believe the poisonous myth of "all it takes to change my misery is the love of a good woman". How many films have a sad and lonely man 'saved' by a quirky, fun, Manic Pixie Dream Girl? It's one of those insidious stories (dreams) that people scoff at but secretly believe. I know so many men who laugh at the ridiculousness of it, but still yearn for it, because it's such a powerful idea, and it's one that doesn't require any effort from us. "Love conquers all" is emotional fast food. We know that if we don't exercise we get fat, but people still avoid getting fit because it's an effort. Likewise, changing yourself into the man you would like to be is a massive effort; it seems almost impossible. How much more appealing is the thought that someone will come along and do all that hard work for us? How much more pleasing the idea that I won't have to deal with my issues because someone will come along, and their love will make everything magically go away?

It's a fairy tale.

It's a fairy tale as ridiculous as Snow White, but we hear it so often, in so many of the stories we use to make sense of our life that it starts to feel true. But it's not. No-one is going to come along and save me, or you, or any of us. Every good thing I have in my life, I have because I have worked for it, and that includes my relationships, with my partner, my families, and my friends.

You're not wrong to have conflicted emotions, and you're not the first. We all feel that way eventually. Catullus felt that way two thousand years before you were born. Feeling that way is one of the ways you know you're on the road to maturity; more complex emotions that can't be easily handled or managed are a sign of the growing complications of adult life.

They shouldn't be ignored. You should really consider taking a step back, and deciding what you really want, and how you really want things to be for your future. You already know you have issues of loneliness and feeling disconnected from society (or you wouldn't have asked how we deal with them). I imagine you're also dealing with (at best) mild depression, as well as the complex feelings this girl is provoking. That's a lot to handle, and you should think about counselling because that will give you training (think of it as emotional jiu-jutsu, because that's what it is). The ability to cope with these horrible feelings is simply not going to come naturally - when it eventually comes, it'll be after a long, painful road that takes decades. There's a reason it's called "bitter experience". I strongly doubt this girl is the key to the happiness you seem to have given her the responsibility for. Ask yourself - is it wise to make someone else the source of my happiness? Is it wise to have only one thing in life that brings me joy?

Seriously, counselling is absolutely something you should consider; even if you go along once, just to see if it would help. Contact details for Samaritans Australia is here: http://www.samaritans.org.au/?s=&service_search=true&type=14&interest=337&postcode= I'm not saying they are the only people you should contact. They are simply a useful first step. Contact them, and see what they have to offer; it might be nothing, but that first step is important. You have problems, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you had a compound fracture of the leg, with broken bones bleeding through torn skin, you wouldn't just ignore it and tell people "Oh, I'll be fine". You'd go to a doctor! This is no different. Be brave. Take charge of yourself, don't just wait for someone else to make it better, and stop letting these awkward emotions dictate your life. You can do it! :)

[jgebi]

the thing that makes me hate her is that she goes a wall and theirs nothing I can do, and you seem to think that I have something worse the mild depression... because? and this fairy tale idea is interesting to say the least. Also that quote is cool what is it Latin? Also I do know shes not perfect and I never really think of anyone as perfect and she dosen't toy with my feelings on purpose and I know this to be true it's more I let things get twisted in my head that results in this.

[YorkNecromancer]

seem to think that I have something worse the mild depression... because?

Honestly, I don't know if you do or if you don't; you'll be better placed to answer that than I. I'm just making suggestions and asking you questions going only by the very little you've revealed (which doesn't suggest a person who has been happy in a while). That's what depression is; not sadness, but the inability to feel happy.

I've suffered with depression for many years. When people ask how I'm doing during a period of depression, my response is "Fine." They'll get the same answer no matter what's happening. I could be sat amongst people I love, enjoying a wonderful meal. Inside, I'll just feel empty.

I've worked for many years to overcome it, and I have in part, but I still suffer from anhedonia quite often. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia

Hugh Laurie spoke quite well about his depression. From his Wikipedia article:


While appearing on Inside the Actors Studio in 2006, Laurie discussed his struggle with severe clinical depression. He continues to receive regular treatment from a psychotherapist. He told host James Lipton that he first concluded he had a problem whilst driving in a charity demolition derby, during which he realised that seeing two cars collide and explode in front of him caused him to be neither excited nor frightened, but bored. "Boredom," he commented, "is not an appropriate response to exploding cars."

That's a response I recognise. Depression is defined more by the missing positive emotions than a surfeit of negative ones (though those are often there, compounding the issue).

Here's a guide to help you se if you do or not: http://www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/depression.aspx Might be worth your time just seeing - at the very least you can rule it out. :)


it's more I let things get twisted in my head that results in this.

I suppose you should ask why you let them get twisted in your head? Why not distract yourself with something positive? Sitting and letting an issue fester is not conducive to a positive outlook on life. You asked about coping with loneliness. I suggest that things "getting twisted in your head" and your loneliness are linked. If you solve the loneliness, you'll probably solve those negative issues as well, simply because you'll be too busy having a good time to dwell on them.

[jgebi]

Guess I should tell you how everythings ended up. She sent me a message telling me to F off and that she never wanted to see me again etc so I asked why and she responded (for once) that I wanted to much or something the such so I have taken this as my queue from the lord (Emperor) to jump forth once again and become what I am the man in the dark ready to strike. A few of my friends have said that maybe it's just her time of the month etc but I have spent the last 3 years fighting and changing (for the better mostly) and I just have to leave as shes making to clear she doesn't like me in any sense.

I've lost my best friend and I am sad about that and a girl I have deep feelings for but I'm not as torn up by it as I thought but I can deal with rejection and losing a friend as I've done it before and on the up side I won't have someone quilt tripping me anymore when I F up. and atm I just have going through my head, What the lord Takes away he will give back. So I'd like to say thank you for everyone's opinions and help with this and it has helped so you have my deep thanks

[YorkNecromancer]

It sounds like this has honestly worked out for the best for you. I know it's probably not the result you wanted, but I feel it's the result you may have needed.

I really hope things improve for you from here (and I'm sure they will) :)

[Build]

Guess I should tell you how everythings ended up. She sent me a message telling me to F off and that she never wanted to see me again etc so I asked why and she responded (for once) that I wanted to much or something the such so I have taken this as my queue from the lord (Emperor) to jump forth once again and become what I am the man in the dark ready to strike.

Sounds like you're finally making the right steps forward,

Not knowing is always worse than knowing the worst, you can't relax, you don't know where you stand and worst of all you can't move on.

If you can take anything from the experience, focus on what you learned as well as what you want from a potential partner, if you're able to do that then one by one relationships do get better as time goes by. I recently came out of one too, easily the most stable one I've ever had and with someone I genuinely felt something for; it's never easy but knowing when to call it quits and move on is always the best option, it can hurt like hell at the time and doing it requires a lot of courage. However the act alone, of doing it is what helps make all relationships much much easier to heal from and feel better about yourself and your place in this weird roller coaster of life.


YorkNecromancer has given you some incredibly solid advice throughout this endeavour too, as for the girl, if she comes back to you, make sure you keep your distance, don't get involved again or you will only go round full circle once again.

[Psychosplodge]

Because love is wonderful, but relationships, real adult relationships are hard, take work and compromise, and I cannot state this enough, if one or both of you has a mental health disorder, you're playing the game of love on Hard Mode.

Now, I don’t want you to think I’m belittling you for your age; far from it. I just want to be clear about the difficulties and issues it brings, which are very different from the ones older ages bring.


^This.

I like this (http://doingitwrongandlovingit.tumblr.com/post/56632053927/hey-fellas) post.


Now Jgebi I regret concentrating on chasing ***** at your age instead of concentrating on my future. Get yourself sorted with prospects and the rest will eventually fall into place. Do not put everything into a relationship at the expense of everything else. And don't neglect your friends for it or one day you'll realise they aren't there anymore.

[Mr Mystery]

+1 to Splodgey right there.

And here's why....

I'm now 33. And my life is going swimmingly. Got career sorted. Doubled my wage in 12 months. Got my own place, kitted out how I want. I'm almost earning enough money to do what I want, when I want (still settling old bills from badly paid previous job...). I didn't have a relationship until I was 23. I have no kids. I have no significant other. The world is currently my oyster, and I intend to milk it for all it's worth. Same for a handful of my friends who took the same 'meh to it all' route I did in early life. We felt disillusioned and so opted out of the stuff we were told we wanted. And now we're loving life a lot!

But, when I was around your age, the rush was on with everyone else to be all adult and stuff, and prove it. This meant various extremely ill advised relationships. People bought houses together. Many had kids. Several sacrificed career opportunities in an attempt to get their hole.... And without exception, those people are now solidly mired in misery. Because they had kids they couldn't really afford (hasn't stopped them being good parents I would stress. At least not for the most part) some have been on benefits long term. Others stuck in crappy, dead end jobs for one reason or another, barely existing on the minimum wage. Not one...seriously, not one of them is still in contact with their beau from that period. Absent fathers a-go-go. Some of them turned to drugs, and simply aren't all there anymore. Most are in debt up to their eyeballs. And all because they wanted to be grown ups, long before they were anything of the sort.

Slow down, take your time. Enjoy life. It's a big world out there. Go explore it. Don't let anyone or anything hold you back. Go at your own pace, and sod the rest of them. When you stroll past them in a few years time, and witness their burnt out husk, you'll understand.

And I know I might sound horribly old to your ears, but once you're in work, time seriously flies. Blink and you will miss it.

[Denzark]

'Ckin A Mr M!

Gritty but true.

[AirHorse]

Slow down, take your time. Enjoy life. It's a big world out there. Go explore it. Don't let anyone or anything hold you back. Go at your own pace, and sod the rest of them. When you stroll past them in a few years time, and witness their burnt out husk, you'll understand.

And I know I might sound horribly old to your ears, but once you're in work, time seriously flies. Blink and you will miss it.

That's a truth and a half there! I'm 28 this year, and while I'm not exactly old I'm not fresh out of school anymore either. Since I started working properly fulltime time seemed to fly by. I never really worried too much about the future when I finished school, just about what I wanted to do then, and trust me it was the right thing to do! I got myself a job, and I didn't bother with any kind of major long term plans or goals, just got on with making my place in the world as comfortable as I could.

I'm now approaching my 30's and started to think more long term now, about what I want to settle down into, and suddenly I realise I've been in fulltime work for a lot longer than it felt like! I'm in no rush to make these decisions either, but now my circumstances are comfortable its easy to think about those things without any kind of pressure.

Some of my friends have had an awful lot of rough times, and often relationships were the root of those problems or exasperated them. Trying to juggle finding your way in life with a relationship, most likely with someone who is also trying to find their way, is a lot to work at. I don't envy them for a moment.

I've recently got into my first proper relationship now and both of us have found our paths in life before we met. So far none of the things that caused my friends so much stress 8 years ago have even bothered us. Now maybe I'm just lucky, but I believe that the timing is more than relevant.

Life is a long road, and you are just at the beginning of it. You don't have to try and rush to the end right away!

[jgebi]

I was thinking about this thread for just what ever reason, I ended up talking with the girl again and off and on but I just find myself getting mad at her for how she treats me now, which I guess is a good thing...
But I just wanted to say thanks to all of you Men & Women this helped at the time more than I relised at the time and re-reading this was a good idea I think.

Also realised how stupid I was 2 years ago trying to be someone I wasen't for everyone elses sake.

So again thanks people of the internet you really helped.

[Deadlift]

your very welcome 😉