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View Full Version : So a guardsman walks into a bar...



Turner
04-13-2012, 07:08 AM
And fails his 5+ armour save.


A beast of nurgle stops infront of a bar and sighs to himself, "If only I could figure out these steps."


The bartender tells the Emperor of Man, "If you keep drinking like this you'll be on the Golden Throne for the next millennium."


The bartender shouts over the crowd, "Whoever owns the ridiculously over sized box outside not only are you double parked but you left your head lights on.". A Space Marine Terminator, Grey Knight Terminator, Blood Angels Furioso Dreadnaught and Necron Overlord all stand up.


A guardsman, a sergeant and a Commissar walk into a bar. After a few drinks one of them notice a cute girl sitting at a booth alone. The guardsman says to his sarge, "You're a great leader, a real war torn hero! Why not go over there and... You know.". The sergeant eyes his drink and says, "I don't kno-" just as the Commissar bolts up from his chair, knocking the sergeant over exclaiming, "Failed your morale test, I'm taking over from here."


A guardsman see a sister of battle sitting at a bar and walks over to her. "You know, real men where flak armour.". Suddenly a Space Marine shoves the guardsman aside and says, "Want to know why they call it power armour?". The Space Marine falls to the ground as a Vindicator Assassin slides up next to her, "I saw you from across the bar and I swear I could read the date of the quarter in your back pocket of those genes.". The Vindicator's head explodes as a Tau fire warrior leans over her, "You and me? It would be for the greater good.". Just then a chain axes smashes the bar as a Khrone Berserker screams, "Blood for the blood god! Also another one for the lady here."


Fateweaver walks into a bar and shouts, "Creeeeeed! I didn't know YOU'D be here!"

A bunch of guardsmen wake up from a long night of partying and one says to the other, "Whoa must have been some party with those girls and holy Emperor, all our cloths our gone! Who where those girls?!". The sergeant looks at both men and shakes his head, "Genestealers."


Two guardsman are watching a Space Wolf force pass by. " Grey hunters, long fangs, rune priests man what chapter do these guys belong too?". "Cheesarus Velveetacus," the other replies.

roncarlin2002
04-13-2012, 07:46 AM
++++groans+++++

phoenix01
04-13-2012, 07:58 AM
lmao

LordGrise
04-13-2012, 08:01 AM
::grins::

Morgan Darkstar
04-13-2012, 08:10 AM
-bangs head on desk-

Turner
04-13-2012, 08:36 AM
A Tau Etheral is at a bar and after a few drinks decides this isn't the right bar for him. He pays his tab, tips the bartender generously and walks out. The entire tau crowd immediately routes.

Turner
04-13-2012, 08:52 AM
Guardsman Bob: "Sheesh tough crowd, I tell yah the only way I can make myself look good in CC is if I hang out with Fire warriors..."

Turner
04-13-2012, 08:53 AM
The Hellhound driver turns to his captain as asks, "Hey cap, you seem something burning?"

fuzzbuket
04-13-2012, 08:55 AM
a guardsman walks into a bar,

and is shot for desertion of the munitiourm bar.

Turner
04-13-2012, 08:55 AM
A squadron of Scout Sentinels when suddenly one of them trips, falls and wrecks. The other two stop to see if the driver is alright and as he emerges from the burning wreck he exclaims, "Talk about dangerous terrain!"

MaltonNecromancer
04-13-2012, 09:00 AM
Best Imperial Guard joke I've ever seen?

http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/9720149.jpg

Also:

http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/9813567.jpg
http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/13993786.jpg
http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/13202910.jpg

Turner
04-13-2012, 09:00 AM
Guardsman Bob: "Grim Dark? Good thing I brought a flash light."

eldargal
04-13-2012, 09:04 AM
Two Wraithguard walk past a Howling Banshee temple, one turns to the other and said 'Those girls make enough noise to wake the dead'.

Turner
04-13-2012, 09:16 AM
Sly Marbo, Death Leaper and Sgt Telion walk into a bar. The bartender turns are exclaims, "Whoa, didn't see you guys come in."

Turner
04-13-2012, 09:40 AM
A group of Tyranid Rippers are devouring the remains of an Eldar Guardian squad when one turns to the other and says, "Hey, does this taste a little... you know, funny?"

Turner
04-13-2012, 09:45 AM
As the Eldar Seer Council finished one of the Warlocks stands puzzled at the coat rack. "Aw geez, witch blade is mine?"

Warlock "Witch Blade?"
Eldrad "Witch Blade?"
Sly Marbo "Witch Blade?"
Death Leaper "SKWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!

Turner
04-13-2012, 09:47 AM
Eldrad and the Avatar of Khaine are sitting at a bar when the Avatar turns to Eldrad and says, "Whoa, it's it hot in here or just me? Hey barkeep, can we turn up the AC?"

Turner
04-13-2012, 09:52 AM
Mephiston and A Furioso Dreadnought walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" Mephiston replies, "I'll have a Bloody Mary." the bartender turns to the Dreadnought and asks, "And how about you big fella?" Before the Dreadnought and answer Mephiston raises his hand and says, "Oh nothing for him, once he get's started he can't stop."

plawolf
04-13-2012, 09:52 AM
Some nice jokes, but please for the love of the Emperor, learn to spell!

Turner
04-13-2012, 09:54 AM
Castellan Crowe and Jokaero walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them and says, "Sorry, no pets allowed."

ggg
04-13-2012, 10:10 AM
creed lying back in bed smoking a fat cigar looking smug. Sister of battle lying dishevelled next to him looking stunned - " I don't know how you do it creed .. but I did not expect your unit to come in from THAT direction...!"

Ironwolf
04-13-2012, 10:21 AM
creed lying back in bed smoking a fat cigar looking smug. Sister of battle lying dishevelled next to him looking stunned - " I don't know how you do it creed .. but I did not expect your unit to come in from THAT direction...!"

wow you crossed the line faster then a scout moving baal predator. Try and keep it tasteful maybe minors here

MaltonNecromancer
04-13-2012, 10:28 AM
Castellan Crowe and Jokaero walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them and says, "Sorry, no pets allowed."

The Jokaero replies "That's a little unfair; I've just had him washed!"


A group of Tyranid Rippers are devouring the remains of an Eldar Guardian squad when one turns to the other and says, "Hey, does this taste a little... you know, funny?"

The first turns and replies "Not compared to that box of clown shoes."

...

My jokes are so bad I think they've given me a headache.